I want to be happy for them, I truly do.
But part of me always thinks how unfair it is that they get to be happy and I am left behind, here in limbo.
I have been to the depths of my mind; so far into the darkness that I thought I would never see the light again.
There was no one sending me an 'R U Ok?' text like in the ad campaigns.
There was no one thinking of me as I sat alone crying into my favourite blanket, hair unwashed for days and no idea when I would muster the energy to wash the dishes.
I dragged myself out of there alone and I still to this day have no idea how I did it.
One inch at a time I slowly began to feel the heaviness recede just a little.
But then I have days like today.
Where I wonder if maybe I just got used to the weight and actually I didn't get any better.
I know in my head I have gotten somewhat better because sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself dancing around the kitchen to my favourite songs while doing the dishes and I realise that past me would never have been able to do that.
So I guess the moral of the story is that mental health is not always linear, and maybe that's a good thing?
I will never know what direction my life would have gone in had I not fallen foul to the darkness within but maybe I should choose to see that as a good thing.
Not everyone is trusted with that journey and not everyone makes it out alive and gets to look back on it like this.
I have seen a rich texture to life that some will never see - every moment of peace that I find is cherished, every genuine smile I find on my face is a wonder because I spent so long thinking I would never be able to feel anything again.
So I guess, in the duration of this post, I have talked myself back into seeing the wonder in what I've experienced.
Honestly, I could be doing without these heavy days but if that's what it takes to see the value in the glimmers of light then I am here for all of it.
